Harper’s prorogation – no problem, just TIVO it

Arguably the biggest issue in politics right now is the Prorogation of Parliament. Since this supposed mistake, Harper has plummeted in the polls, and protests were organized where it was safe to say that far more than just the “chattering classes” showed up. Even usual Conservative allies from the National Post and the Globe have come down on Harper for what they see as a heavy-handed, short-sighted decision. While consuming all this news through YouTube, news websites and my iPhone (okay, if I had one I would watch news on it!), I was thinking one thing: what’s the big deal, he’s just TIVO-ing the work of the country? In this brave new world, when we do something doesn’t matter, does it? With all the technology at our fingertips, isn’t time just like the Governor General? A relic of a bygone era, a symbol of power that ultimately has to bend to our will?

Okay, I’ll give you an example. This past year, I TIVO-ed my 30th birthday. It worked out great! Having opened a brand new school, I was scheduled to attend the grand opening of said school the night of my 30th birthday. So instead of feeling sorry for myself that I was stuck at work instead of out celebrating, I just postponed my birthday to the next Saturday, when I had planned a get together with my friends. I even left all the birthday messages on my machine and waited to listen to them until that day, after the get together. Perfect. Time is like Cabinet, it has no real power. So can’t Harper do the same with the work of Parliament? There’s nothing urgent that needs to be discussed right now –  natural disasters, the economic crisis – they can wait, the olympics are on! Unplug the phone: we’ll get to it later!

This gives me another great idea: why does Parliament have to meet at all? In the age of BlackBerries, wireless internet and real-time video-conferencing, all MPs could work from home. Think of the greenhouse gas emissions we’d save with MPs not having to come to Ottawa any more! We’d certainly have a lot less hot air without question period! Harper, you’re on to something!  This could be your chance to lure those elusive female voters. Offer them jobs as MPs – great salaries, benefits, and a huge saving on child care costs because they can all work from home. This dovetails perfectly with your platform because under your platform, there’s no child care spaces for them! Now they can spend that rebate cheque on beer and popcorn, just like they’ve always wanted. And just in time for the super bowl! The next election’s in the bag!

It’s too bad you never thought of this before. You could have TIVO-ed Copenhagen. You didn’t really want to be there anyway, with all those tree huggers. Come to think of it, you should TIVO your emissions reduction targets. Starting from 1990 was crazy, they didn’t even have TIVO way back then! Perhaps you could TIVO the starting point from 1990 until, say, 2005, just before you came to power. That would be a lot more fair, right? It’s not your fault that the Liberals “didn’t get it done” under that dweeb Dion. Blaming you for that would be like blaming him for the entire Liberal record when he only took that portfolio in 2004. Oh wait, you’ve already done that! You’re way ahead of me. You’ve already TIVO-ed your emissions targets too, well, don’t stop there! You weren’t in power in 2005, so move the base year ahead some more, say to the year when you started pretending to care about the environment. Say, 2007, 2008? 

Harper, it’s clear to me now that when it comes to TIVO-ing the work of Parliament, you already deserve a Gold Star! I think you are ready then, for your final assignment in the art of TIVO-ing. I don’t think you’ll find this one too difficult, because in fact, you’ve already gotten started on it. Your handling of Quebec of late has shown promise in this regard, as well as the Prorogation itself. You guessed it! It’s time for the ultimate TIVO! It’s time for you to TIVO ALL the work not only of Parliament, but of Government until the next time you are in power. In the meantime, us Greens are more than ready to take over. Worried you’ll miss something? Don’t worry – we’ll tape it for you!

Harper’s prorogation – no problem, just TIVO it